An open letter

On the eve of a new iPhone, some heartfelt thoughts to Apple and his deadbeat friend.

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Dear Apple,

I can hardly believe you’re coming to town again. Of course, I will be happy to greet you when you arrive at my door on June 24th. I have to say, I saw your photos, and you look absolutely fabulous. Have you lost weight?

Hey, there’s one thing I wanted to ask you about. You know your friend, AT&T? Yeah, I know he’s a swell guy and all, but … I don’t know. That guy stood me up so many times. I don’t want to talk about him behind his back, but everything I’m telling you I’ve already told him … several times. He’s kind of lame. I mean, why do you hang out with that guy? You work so hard to keep yourself up and do well professionally. It seems to me that that guy is holding you back. I realize he was one of the first to support you when you took your big plunge. It was very noble of him (I’m being sarcastic). I mean, really. You could have had your pick of any guy there. Sure, he was generous with his affections (and his wallet was plenty big), but did you ask anybody about his history? I’m just saying, he was never known for being particularly hard-working. I’m just saying.

Don’t take it personally. I love you. You know that. I just think AT&T is a little shallow. I mean, where is he right now? Here I am, talking to you, and there’s no sign of him at all. It would be one thing if we were in some remote area and he didn’t boast about being there for everyone. But this is Los Angeles and I’m in the middle of one of the most populated neighborhoods. Zero bars. Zero. Where is he? 97% of the country! Sure. And I’m dating Angelina Jolie.

Look, you know I love you. You are welcome at my place anytime. But, let’s talk about your friend. Just talk. I’ll be here for you no matter what. I just don’t want to see you hanging out with a loser.




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